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Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll bake you brownies (they’ll be delicious)

A few weeks ago, I was at breakfast with my dear friends Amber and Dina when we broached the topic of our emotional blind spots.

Emotional blind spots are something I’m hesitant to label as a psychological “issue” – but in a sense, it is — and it’s one we ALL have to some degree. It’s that (often unhealthy) aspect of our personality that everyone in our life sees but we are “blind” to – or choose to perpetuate even once we know exactly what we are doing.

My emotional blind spot: I can’t cope with people not liking me. I will, endlessly, try to work to win your love. Men, obviously, but people in general. And the best way to make me work extra hard for your love? TREAT ME LIKE GARBAGE.

brownies1This went on for years with various relationships and the sick thing is, I’d complain about how awful they treated me even as I kept on trying to bribe them to treat me better.

Sometimes the hardest life mission a person can undertake is to look in the mirror and dam his or her own rivers of denial. Denial is a tricky slope because it’s far more dangerous than ignorance – I’m a relatively smart girl, but absolutely foolish when it comes to relationships.

I have the all-encompassing power to perceive information while automatically refusing to allow it into consciousness. It’s true. Ask everyone who knows me. And I just can’t stop.

I like to tell myself that my mind has given me this gift in order to protect me – to allow me to go blind to the information that I am afraid of putting into the reality.

And so I did that. I created super strong relationships. Or so I told myself. Great affections that would last. I feed my own crazy, and you know what? For my entire life thus far, I have had the same relationship over and over again. I’ve constantly entertained people into my life who were takers – emotional parasites that existed  to drain me of what they needed or wanted from me and give nothing back.

If there’s anything lonelier in life than loving someone who doesn’t love you back it’s to love someone who says they love you back just long enough to drain the well dry – and then abandons you as soon as it is. And that is the only love I’ve ever known.

This week is the Jewish holidays of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, and tonight, I was talking to my friend Bryce –one of the smartest people I know in the universe — about all that had been going on this past month and some new truly heartbreaking letdowns that had happened more recently and she taught me about the concept of Tikkun. Tikkun is your your life correction. That ugly shit that will repeat on you forever until you conquer it. It’s the baggage of your personal soul. It’s what we are supposed to recognize and deal with during this holy week. And it makes it somewhat cosmic that all this realization is happening right now.

During the week of high holy days, we’re supposed to examine our behavior patterns and change them into more positive ones for the coming year. I keep wondering if I am deliberately choosing friends and love interests who specifically match the psyche that will elicit this behavior.  People who love to hurt me and then lash out at me for being hurt. Do I have so much self-loathing that I resist healthy relationships and gravitate toward takers? Is my whole life one giant emotional blow job with no reciprocation?

No, maybe not. I do have some amazing friends – but I’ll tell you this – I’ve never shown them the consideration and respect I show the bad ones.

 My mission to myself is to stop trying so hard to be something I’m not just to make others like me.  It doesn’t work that way. You can’t bribe your way into people’s hearts. Nor can you place yourself in a heart that doesn’t exist. When you sacrifice for love — or even acceptance — and put yourself second in ANY type of relationship — friends or lover or family, and I’ve done it all —  you believe it means the other will end up loving you more. Or at last. And it never actually works.

But it kind of just perpetuates the tendency that you and that person both love THEM more and as time goes by, you will end up loving yourself less. The more you sacrifice, the less of yourself remains, until one day, you wake up and find yourself feeling empty inside.

 It’s funny. Recently, I’ve lost a lot – including a few people who were – I thought – everything to me. You know what happens when you’ve given up all of yourself to become more acceptable? Ultimately you may get their temporary favor  – but they’ll never really appreciate the real you. They never took time to even KNOW the real you.

And in the process, you lost your essence, the very soul of who you are. And I find myself, right now, trying to figure out just who that person is – a person who is known for her smiles and giggles but  is increasingly clouded by anger and resentment – and a desire to never make anyone brownies ever again.

And trust me, they were delicious.



8 Comments

  1. What a great post! I have some of your same affliction too but have been working on setting boundaries. If I get the sense that someone is either a user or a big fake phony bologna “friend” I am much better at seeing it early on and setting up roadblocks. In the last couple years was totally blindsided by someone so I obviously have more work to do….But live and learn, right?

    But I think you are awesome just the way you are! We can make brownies together. xoxo

  2. Lianne F.
    09.12.2013

    ALY! This is SO wonderful to hear such honesty coming from someone in the world. We all have faults but only a few brave souls are honest enough to admit them. That’s all we can do in life….is live the best we can, make our mistakes, hopefully learn from them and move on. Life is too short, you and I have had this conversation many a time…there are plenty of people that probably don’t like me and I’ll be damned if I make any of them brownies. Great job darling…

  3. Brigitta
    09.12.2013

    Beautifully-written!

    Your point about trying hard only attracting the wrong people who want/need that constant pandering is excellent. It’s like… Groupon. Sure, you can promote your business to a bunch of new people, but you’re not necessarily reaching people who are going to come back because they love your stuff. You’re really just reaching people who want to pay half price and will never value you for what you’re worth. Maybe this is the emotional version of that?

  4. Chandra
    09.12.2013

    WOW! So brave to put out what SO MANY feel.
    I pray to have more courage like you.

  5. Nancy Reid
    09.12.2013

    My group night is Thursday! I love it. It is so cathartic. Healing is a process which when shared with others is even more enlightening and life altering!

  6. Allie
    09.13.2013

    Here here!!!!! There are so many times that we need to just pause and look within and clear out those bad habits that keep us from moving forward. I think it’s a GREAT move to clear the negative friends from your life, love yourself first and foremost, and (my new favorite motto): KEEP PROPELLING FORWARD!!!

  7. A friend of mine purges his online ‘friends’and his IRL folks MONTHLY like an internet ‘period’ and purges the people who has no real connection to for whatever reason. It’s liberating, allows you to breathe again and get rid of spiritual vampires and dead weight in your if! You always feel 30 pounds lighter and free when you do it! Be gone Spiritual Vampires and Emotional clutter Causers!

  8. What's Haute
    09.16.2013

    I LOVE THIS!

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